You're on a first date, you're a bit nervous. You're a bit early so you wait at the back of the bar without a drink because she should be here shortly and you'd like to offer to buy her a drink, it's what one does in these situations.
She arrives, you get a bit more nervous but make a pathetic wave as you lock eyes, matching a face that looks enough like the profile pictures that you're 99% sure you haven't just made a fool of yourself by waving at a random stranger. You buy her that drink (experience suggests that a diet coke is the likely request) and find a seat.
Here's where it gets complex for us Christians... from now on, it's not a date in the traditional sense. The pressure is on, you're being eyed up as future baby-making husband material. At least, that's what it feels like and truth is, that's often the case. Many Christians have marriage on the mind far too soon. It's part of our odd little sub-culture.
I recall being part of a conversation about two friends in the church who had just started dating. Someone mentioned the 'M' word and I lost it and went on a 5-minute rant about the problem with the pressure we, as Church, put on young Christian couples. I think I shocked a few people but I'm not sorry for saying what I said. As a divorcee who's "Christian" marriage lasted barely 8 months, I feel qualified to speak on the topic.
Why do we do it? Why do we pressurise them? Some of it is genuine desire for them to have a happy and long-lasting relationship but I get the feeling that much of it is the excitement of another wedding, another new outfit to buy, and I have to say, sorry girls, this is mostly the ladies.
The other side of Christians marrying young is about sex, or rather, lack of sex. Think about this for a moment; In biblical times, marriage ages were frequently 12-15, now they are approximately double that. The chemistry of the human body, means we hit puberty around 9-15 years old. Modern-day Christians (and now I'm speaking mostly to the men) are having to wait, in spite of their chemistry and it's associated desires, 10+ years and all of this with a culture that's putting it in our faces every second of every day. Of course people want to jump through the hoop that is marriage, they've been told about this mystical & wonderful thing that awaits them on the other side! They've been told about it every day since they were old enough to understand what those perfume adverts were suggesting. Billboards scream it from the roadside, shelves are lined with "magazines for men" that are inexplicably not classed as porn, cars are showcased with models draped across them.
My point is NOT that saving yourself for marriage is wrong or impossible, I did it. My point is that there is so much pressure on dating Christians to tie the knot, both from themselves and from outside pressures, that it is our responsibility towards our brothers & sisters to drag their head out of the love-hazed clouds and back down to earth. Challenge them, question them, HELP them but for God's sake, don't encourage them, they already have enough of that! It is madly irresponsible of us to start talking about their future potential relationship status before they do.
Also, it makes dating so much harder than it needs to be... I have never known a time when "we should meet for coffee" between Christians has ever been anything other than subtext for "I think we could get married some day, lets get things started now".
It has to stop.
She arrives, you get a bit more nervous but make a pathetic wave as you lock eyes, matching a face that looks enough like the profile pictures that you're 99% sure you haven't just made a fool of yourself by waving at a random stranger. You buy her that drink (experience suggests that a diet coke is the likely request) and find a seat.
Here's where it gets complex for us Christians... from now on, it's not a date in the traditional sense. The pressure is on, you're being eyed up as future baby-making husband material. At least, that's what it feels like and truth is, that's often the case. Many Christians have marriage on the mind far too soon. It's part of our odd little sub-culture.
I recall being part of a conversation about two friends in the church who had just started dating. Someone mentioned the 'M' word and I lost it and went on a 5-minute rant about the problem with the pressure we, as Church, put on young Christian couples. I think I shocked a few people but I'm not sorry for saying what I said. As a divorcee who's "Christian" marriage lasted barely 8 months, I feel qualified to speak on the topic.
Why do we do it? Why do we pressurise them? Some of it is genuine desire for them to have a happy and long-lasting relationship but I get the feeling that much of it is the excitement of another wedding, another new outfit to buy, and I have to say, sorry girls, this is mostly the ladies.
The other side of Christians marrying young is about sex, or rather, lack of sex. Think about this for a moment; In biblical times, marriage ages were frequently 12-15, now they are approximately double that. The chemistry of the human body, means we hit puberty around 9-15 years old. Modern-day Christians (and now I'm speaking mostly to the men) are having to wait, in spite of their chemistry and it's associated desires, 10+ years and all of this with a culture that's putting it in our faces every second of every day. Of course people want to jump through the hoop that is marriage, they've been told about this mystical & wonderful thing that awaits them on the other side! They've been told about it every day since they were old enough to understand what those perfume adverts were suggesting. Billboards scream it from the roadside, shelves are lined with "magazines for men" that are inexplicably not classed as porn, cars are showcased with models draped across them.
My point is NOT that saving yourself for marriage is wrong or impossible, I did it. My point is that there is so much pressure on dating Christians to tie the knot, both from themselves and from outside pressures, that it is our responsibility towards our brothers & sisters to drag their head out of the love-hazed clouds and back down to earth. Challenge them, question them, HELP them but for God's sake, don't encourage them, they already have enough of that! It is madly irresponsible of us to start talking about their future potential relationship status before they do.
Also, it makes dating so much harder than it needs to be... I have never known a time when "we should meet for coffee" between Christians has ever been anything other than subtext for "I think we could get married some day, lets get things started now".
It has to stop.
